Before I start this, I want you to do me a favor. Go to the following link and begin playing the song. This is the soundtrack to the game and you must remember every lyric, and then sing it your girlfriend. If you don’t have one, call a random girl you know and serenade her with this lovely tune. She will ask you out. Congratulations, lonely man. Okay, you may now start reading the review.

I couldn't find a picture of the game's start-up screen, so here is a unicorn looking super badass.

Robot Unicorn Attack is probably the greatest game that I have ever played. Now, I’m not really the person to ever praise a game, but this Flash masterpiece (Flashterpiece) deserves more than what it may already have. In reality, it’s what every game needs to be: simple, addictive and fun as hell. It reminded me of a simpler time, one of Mario and platforming, not the generic shooters we’ve been handed today. Sure, it looks gay at first, and I even resisted playing it. However, I am an idiot, don’t make my mistake.

You have to go to Adult Swim to play it, but don’t let that deter you. After sitting through a shitty ad disguised as a game pre-loader, I found myself assaulted by pink, rainbows and delightful music which is insanely soothing. Depress your left mouse button immediately. Fucking do it. Instructions are now in your face, and you are ready to take the plunge into awesometown. Just remember, Z jumps (press again for double jump) and X makes you charge shit like a madman.

You are now running into Valhalla and that unicorn is your fucking Valkyrie. Yeah, that is one sexy unicorn. This bitch has horns and shit, and a rainbow tail. Whoever designed this character is a genius and I wish to meet him. The object of this game is simple, don’t hit anything, eat the floating fairies and make the deadly stars explode like this was some kind of Michael Bay movie, only good. If you do hit something, you die and you’re taken to a screen that tells you how many attempts your sorry ass has left (2 or 1). The gameplay is amazing, and it’s too amazing for words other than “holy shit”.

Failure, but nice score.

The only thing this game lacks is a story, which I will not give it. You play as escaped Robot Unicorn patient #822, having heard that someone that funded the project for robot unicorns has raped your unicorn sister. You want revenge, and you’re going to fucking get it. The fairies, who were the workers and technicians of this debacle of science and God are attempting to stop you, but your quest for vengeance must be completed. Of course, the overseers are also trying to stop you, and they’re aliens who look like stars. You charge through them, your heart pumping furiously. You don’t even know if you’ll get to your raped unicorn sister and have your mission accomplished, but you’re not going to give up.

There, it is now the perfect game. In fact, why aren’t you playing it after I used the word “awesometown”? I’m not really into giving scores, but if I had to judge it out of ten, I’d say it’s “fucking awesome/10”.

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