I played Saints Row II today. Sure, that is in no way out of the ordinary since I’m gangster as fuck, but today I did something special: I crashed a plane into the skyscraper known as “The Ultor Building”. Not only did I crash a plane into the building, but somehow I survived and was warped into the structure itself. It was an office, and there were people there. I shot them, broke their necks, threw chairs at them until they died and finally grabbed them in order to toss them to their death a mile below.

When the game was released, did you hear anything about that in gaming news? They were unarmed civilians, and they didn’t have any clue what was going on. Chances are, you didn’t know about it until you’re awesome enough to terrorize polygons. So, why was “No Russian” so special? It’s special because you’re idiots. By “you”, I don’t necessarily mean “you”, mighty you who is a God send to lions and the anathema to bears. You devilishly handsome man or dashingly beautiful woman, you! Punch your mirror in its face; it’s trying to steal your damn good looks. I’m just kidding, you’re ugly.

Not you.

If you haven’t heard about “No Russian”, then you’re really far behind. In case you haven’t heard of it though, this Youtube video shows you everything and gives you some appropriate music to this controversial scene. The story behind it is that you play some kind of undercover agent in some Russian terrorist organization, and the people you’re killing are just doing their daily shit and hanging out at the local StarRusks or whatever. You can choose to gun them all down, or you can choose to not gun them all down. Man, these are tough moral choices. Why was this an issue again?

You are an asshole.

Personally, I don’t care who I gun down in a video game. I don’t have any sort of emotion or feelings towards these pixilated faggots who are just bullet magnets to my full metal jacket. Why should I? They’re not real. Sure, they represent real people (last I’ve heard, Russia is a real place and is located somewhere on the world map), but they’re not.

You're welcome.

It was even more of a “big deal” to everyone (read: blog sites related to video games/the news) that Visceral Games’ Dante’s Inferno had dead babies. Honestly, I can’t stand babies, so this didn’t bother me at all, once again, because they’re just pixels on my TV screen. The Hell-babies didn’t help either since they looked pissed off, attacked you in packs, had their guts out and had Scyther like blades on their arms. Baby or not, something charges at me like that and they’re getting wasted.

I am a pro at Paint.

After we (girlfriend and I) beat the game, I listened to some of the developer’s interviews. Surprise, surprise, there was an entire thing for these fucking dead babies. In it, they talked about the art and shit, but that was boring. It finally got to where the guy mentioned what you would feel being attacked by them. The developer guy wanted you to feel something. This isn’t grapes in a bowl at Halloween, it’s an already touted “edgy” game, and this doesn’t make it any worse. For fuck’s sake, there were chicks with vaginal tentacles and nipple tongues. Fuck you, Visceral Games.

I guess I’m a heartless, sadistic bastard since I advocate killing babies and unarmed civilians (disclaimer: in video games). I can understand if you were forced to kill outside of a video game, as I’m pretty sure that brings up a lot of emotion (unless you’re a badass). Really though, these are games, and the only people who get upset about this bullshit would be idiots, or websites/blogs trying to be first on Google search. Search for this game in 2012: Unarmed Baby Killer, you’ll be glad you did. I used a lot of pictures in this.

Don’t agree? Leave a comment, or you can e-mail me at raptor_jesus_vs_the_police@yahoo.com and I’ll make sure to copy/paste “Fuck you” at least thirty times.

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