Anyway, The Ugly Truth is certainly not the latest romantic comedy to vomit forth from Hollywood, but it is the only one I’ve seen. I guess Netflix is a wonderful thing; mainly because I didn’t pay for this movie, and I’m glad I didn’t. It’s shallow, it’s overdone and it certainly wouldn’t be worth the $9 I’d have to pay to be subjected to jokes at my expense. It would not have been a very good reward for watching this piss-poor excuse for anything. Let’s get on with this, shall we?

Katherine Heigl plays Abby, a control freak producer of a local TV news segment in California whose ratings are pretty much going the way of Gerard Butler’s career. She can’t keep men interested in her, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for her. I can only assume we are since women are always the victim, though. Anyway, she watches a cable access show one night after a date and calls in after Leonidas starts yelling about madness and freedom. Oh, sorry, it’s about how men want nothing but hot bitches hosted by Mike Chadway (Butler). In a pathetic move, Abby makes up the ideal man for her, and then gets told that she’s ugly by Mike. The whole exchange could have been made over the internet, and I don’t think there would have been any variation.

Either way, Abby goes to work the next day to find that Mike is going to be on the show and she pretty much flips out. Of course, Mike is crass and vulgar to her, and she just doesn’t like the man at all. The hatred just doesn’t really transfer to the screen for me though, seeing as how the two leads have absolutely no chemistry. Honestly, you could have replaced Heigl with a ripe orange and nothing would have changed. In fact, with the below face, it could have been amazing.

The movie panders on with clichés and unfunny moments, more inciting a feeling of nausea than laughs. About 28% through the movie, Abby meets a doctor that could be a potential boyfriend. After Mike somewhat grows on her (BUDDING RELATIONSHIP), he helps her attempt to get the guy. This leads to such hilarious moments as what looks like a handjob at a baseball game, a vibrating panty incident and that’s all actually. It wasn’t very funny, honestly.  Oh, I guess that summed up this movie. HAH.

At the end, in a predictable move, Chadway tells Abby that he loves her after she calls out Mike’s flaws (blaming men or whatever), and then Mike rebuts calling out women. In an extremely bitchy move, Abby doesn’t even say that she loves him back until he calls her out on that. What a cunt, I’d punch her out of the balloon. Of course, I’m a manly man. I don’t need help getting women, and I’m certainly not Mike Chadway. I’m a lumberjack, and fuck trees, especially the ones that were wasted on Heigl’s copy of the script.

Oh, and something bothered me. Why were the credits in lower case? Fuck you, use proper English. Also, why wasn’t John Michael Higgins used more? He’s funny.

Christine Brown is a rather unremarkable female lead. She’s a loan officer at her bank and she’s trying to get a promotion. Things aren’t going to well for her, but she’s got plans on going places. Her bank rival Stu has his own plans which most definitely include seeing Brown in the mud. That was wit, I had to use as much as was found in this movie. Things do however start to get somewhere when a gypsy woman shows up for an extension on her already twice overdue loan. Christine seeing the woman as a credit accident waiting to happen refuses her. After begging, then striking her, the woman is forcibly removed from the bank. Lo and behold, if Borat has taught us anything it’s to never scorn a gypsy. After the only real highlight of the film, an attractive young woman versus an aging old one, she is cursed by the powers that probably don’t be and sentenced to hell.

It’s worth saying that the fight scene is the best sequence in the film. It’s also worth saying that I hope to never see it again. I don’t want to spoil anything, but keep your mouth closed. Someone has to. the resulting curse from the gypsy woman causes a ton of weird things to happen. Christine is witnessing some abnormal stuff from the likes of Poltergeist, Ghostbusters, and Ghost. Standard fare, but the pacing is killer. A lot of modern day horror movies fail on this front altogether, when just a few more seconds of tension can tell the difference between a “Boo!” and a *sound of crapped pants*. Unfortunately the scares are mild at best. In fact the most frightening moments came from me leaving the room and finding that the plot hadn’t progressed from when I’d left. Also, I don’t know if Christine was cursed before or something, but her husband is played by Justin Long. She might want to see a priest about that shit right there.

After Christine stands all she can stand of this torment she consults the patented medium guy who is frightened to call for the aid of someone higher up than him. A spiritual sacrifice ritual is held with a goat. The goat begins to talk at one point, and I nearly died choking on popcorn when the goat bit a man and the demon possessed a flying Mexican man. I’m probably ruining some of what previous viewers of this film consider the better portions, but I’m sorry. I didn’t find the film all that frightening. I was weirded out in the beginning, but that soon passed as I found the film wasn’t going make that next level leap. I’ll admit that it has great execution and good timing, but you have to do something unexpected to scare someone.

I’ll give it that it’s better than The Grudge. How and why Raimi associated himself with that I’ll never know. If I were deathly afraid of hair and security cameras I believe I’d be cowering in fear. I literally found John Cusack’s film ’1408‘ to be more frightening than this. John Cusack was in that. Oh well, hater’s gonna hate I suppose. I just don’t see what the critics saw in this one. The ending was as obvious as endings get, and some of Raimi’s quirks and camera movements that were pioneered in the 90′s can bring about a laugh in this day and age. I will warn you this: apparently the demon’s name is Lamia. I thought they were trying to catch a Labia for the whole damn film. Thank you Wikipedia.

We meet Carl Fredricksen (voiced by Ed Asner) as a wide eyed young boy watching an old black & whilte b-roll of his hero, the aviator-explorer Charles Muntz. A forced disappearance amidst accusations of fraud to nothing to diminish Carl’s fascination with his hero and soon this brings him together with a tomboy named Ellie who gleefully shows him her spirit of adventure. What follows over the next few minutes is a montage of Carl & Ellie’s life together, from playful daydreaming, tragedy and dreams of adventure that could never quite be fulfilled. It is easily the most heart-wrenching, poignant and beautifully paced sequence Pixar have ever done leaving not a dry eye in the house.

Now a widower, Carl is faced with eviction. His martial home surrounded by towering skyscrapers in a scene reminiscent of the house from Batteries Not Included. Defiant to the end, the construction companies have got their way but Carl has other ideas. In a magical scene, Fredricksen’s life as a balloon seller is put to good use as with the help of thousands of helium filled balloons, he and his house take off to the skies in search of Paradise Falls, the place that occupied his and Ellie’s lifelong dreams which they could never go to.

Along for the ride however, is 8 yr old ‘Wilderness Explorer’ Russel (Jordon Nagai). Originally sent on a wild goose-chase by Carl, his perseverance in attempting to achieve his “Assisting the Elderly” badge sees him trapped on the front porch as Carl takes off. Unwitting travel partners they may be but Russell’s GPS sees them arrive in sight of Paradise falls in South America after a violent storm.

It’s as this point the plot gets a little more wacky. It would be too easy, after all, for Carl to be able to set down his house in the very spot his late wife visualized by the Falls and put his feet up to call it a day. Instead Carl and Russel’s journey is colored by a rare flightless bird, a surprise from his past and a pack of dogs fitted with collars that renders them able to voice their thoughts. Although there are plenty of laughs up to this point, it is the dogs who provide much of the comic relief in the second half of the film, especially the gloriously innocent and dopey Dug.

Initially, having developed the two human characters so masterfully in the first hour it might be a little jarring to see Pixar revert to “talking animals” later in the film but whilst there might be a some compromise here to keep younger audiences entertained, it is executed with such humor and panache that it is quickly forgotten amongst the laughs.

Though it doesn’t quite hit the emotional heights of it’s opening, UP still remembers that ultimately it is a film about love, mortality and dreams not fulfilled. Amongst the later zaniness there are still some genuinely touching moments and whilst the ending is notably upbeat, the subtler conclusion to Russell’s side-story is no less moving.

UP also marks Pixar’s first serious attempt at digital 3D which is the way I watched it and they should be commended in their restraint and tact in utilizing the technology. As a film, it is beautiful and moving in any dimension. There are no gimmicks or “popping out effects” here. Similar to Coraline however, the added depth is used selectively to draw you into the world when required. It is hard to say whether I would have found the film quite so powerful in it’s tender moments without it but what I do know is that in my opinion it is the most accomplished 90 minutes Pixar have put to film and one of the most affecting I have seen this year. Without hesitation, if there is warmth in your heart; you should go and see it.

There seem to be a lot of comedies lately making light of some common masculine issues. The 40 Year Old Virgin dealing with – well self explanatory really. Knocked Up and how it dealt with being a baby daddy and how sometimes it takes entirely awkward drunk sex to build a lasting relationship (wat). Role Models and dealing with children who are probably smarter than you are now let alone when you were a kid. This movie deals with one’s inadequacy of being an all around cool dude, or even having a male friend. Paul Rudd’s character Peter Klaven has just proposed to his smoking hot girl friend Zooey (played by smoking hot Rashida Jones) and he has no best man. Rather than accept this and just ask his brother (Andy Samberg) to do it, he goes on a quest for a bro. Hilarity – no wait – Brolarity – ensues.

Andy Samberg is gay. In this movie.

For those who don’t know, Paul Rudd was in such films as Anchorman, The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. He was good in all those so it’s only safe to assume he’d be good in this. One person whose performance I was greatly surprised by was Jason Segler as the bro, Sydney Fife. I had only remembered seeing him in Forgetting Sarah Marshall which was all around forgettable except that it had Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell. He manages to be the believable bro that doesn’t try to act too cool or too bro, bro. This is one of those comedies that was completely well cast. I couldn’t really imagine anyone’s role being changed and it working the same way. That goes for the ancillary characters as well who each manage to keep you from focusing too much on the bromantic relationship of Rudd and Segler.

Bringing your fiancee` to a Rush concert a bro-no.

This isn’t really a romantic comedy. It sort of is, but even while Peter and Zooey’s marriage is looking doubtful, you’re still more concerned about the bros doing another Rush song. Rudd does an awesome job of making every scene with Segler seem intentionally awkward. He throws out some crazy dumb nicknames and uses some jokes that would probably cause most friends to disassociate from you instantly. Luckily for Peter, Sydney is the kind of dude who’s laid back enough to not be weirded out by it.

"You're going the right way for a smacked mouth, Money-Pussy."

This was one movie that you almost think you have pegged as soon as you see the trailer, but it really surprised me at how well thought out it was at times. Even jokes that I don’t normally laugh at I found myself do so here. For example two guys singing, badly. Not normally funny to me no matter how badly they sing, but it worked for me here. I would advise you to check it out lest Lou Ferigno put you into a sleeper hold.

That said, just because this film creeped me out doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite. A long time ago I saw Nightmare Before Christmas, James and the Giant Peach, and also Return to Oz, but something has to be said for growing up and looking at similar works in a new light that only maturity brings. Having enjoyed Henry Selick’s prior work I was glad to get the same out of Coraline that I had gotten from his previous works years before. Not on that same level however. When I was a kid I could watch the same movie five times. But seeing as how I barely watch two movies in one week, it should speak volumes that I put aside everything else to watch Coraline to its conclusion.

This gets much creepier, I swear.

Coraline is centered around Coraline Jones (Dakota Fanning) who has moved into a new apartment with her overworked and unsympathetic parents. Whilst trying to find something to do (because kids can never just sit and behave) she finds a mysterious other world in a hidden door behind her living room wall. There she encounters her Other Mother as well as “Other” versions of everyone she has come to know in the complex. Soon she realizes that there is a dark and sinister secret to what’s going on inside this world – and you can already guess what’s going on without me even telling you. The story is basic. It follows its three acts without too much gusto but what it does well is add its own unique blend of elements to creep you out.

Subject matter focused around children always has a weird sort of unsettling ambiguity to it. When you see a character present in a dreary world made up of rather depressing aesthetics yet see them ultimately enjoying themselves, it puts you at ease as far as immersing yourself as the character, but in the back of your mind (at least mine) it makes you feel uneasy. Almost as off putting as seeing someone laugh while watching Silence of the Lambs. This movie is like that. Coraline seems unnerved by the look of the apartment complex she inhabits, and the Other World is even creepier than the one she came from. It’s always night time, the ‘Others’ have buttons for eyes, and everything is a little “too” joyful for being so mopish. Add in some very disturbing character designs for a main villain and you have something that can quite easily creep me out.

See! I told you. I'm not crazy.

However, I really loved the look of this movie. I saw Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride and I didn’t think it looked half as good. Coraline has its own style that becomes immediately apparent. It’s not necessarily grim or tragic, although it is dark. It also meshes a lot of detail in every character without being completely computer enhanced. It uses modern technology to its own advantages rather than working around those strengths and weaknesses. The art design shines through well, and the characters do manage to show surprising emotion for mere puppets. All this is added to by the clarity of Blu-Ray. It’s just one of those rare moments where practicality and technology are exactly on the same page. I’m not going to comment on any of the 3D features because being a Netflix’er means you don’t always buy movies. Although I’m skeptical of watching this again (I don’t know exactly why it creeps me out THIS much) it’s a movie I’d like to have in my collection. But 3D glasses and me don’t exactly gel. I wear a pair already.

The music really captured the feel of this film too. I’m not too keen on Dakota Fanning (horrible in War of the Worlds and just about every movie trailer I’ve seen her in) but she worked well as Coraline. Not annoying at all. Maybe she was meant for voice acting. Or fluke. I thought Kieth David was a pretty odd choice for the cast, but I recognized him immediately. He had maybe 10 lines in the film so it must’ve been an easy check for him. Ian McShane was also notable, even though his voice really overthrew the accent he was trying to portray. The rest of the actors/actresses I had to IMDB because they really weren’t as obvious. All of them worked well however, no one stuck out like a sore thumb.

Don't let the cotton candy fool you, he's creepy too.

I think there’s still a market for stopmotion films, especially ones done with as much care and style as Coraline. You have to be more careful with them though. Getting the story, design and look of a movie like this is even more paramount. You can’t just tell the CGI whizzes to make it look better, or add in a explosion. CG movies tend to get more attention simply because they’re CG. Not to say they aren’t good, but if you made the same film with another medium chances are you would make half the money or less. Maybe it can be attributed to parents just naturally assuming CGI = kids movie. Guess that’s why parents backed out of Final Fantasy when the lips started locking.

Beyonce Knowles was playing Beyonce Knowles married to Idris Elba. But Idris was working as a stock broker at some firm where all the guys are married to their former secretaries. Beyonce was a former secretary at this very firm, so continuity was lost seeing that she is a popular singer married to Jay-Z. Okay, I’m joking. I know these characters had names, I just didn’t care. For those who don’t know, Ali Larter (from Heroes and maybe something else) is a temp(tress) working at the firm. Right off the bat she sets her eyes on poor gullible Idris. I’m serious, this guy has something wrong with him. Half the time he’s saying “No lady please don’t touch my penis,” or “No wife, please touch my penis again, I’m sorry.” The characters are believable a quarter of the time, but Ali Larter’s character is SO crazy it really is unbelievable. Obsessed was the right name for this film.

Meet Jaws

So when you take everything away, the actors, the story, the – okay I don’t know where I was going with this. You’ve got some entertaining cinema right here. Obvious stuff really, but entertaining. It takes itself a little too seriously in some spots, except at the end when you wish it would’ve taken itself more seriously. For the entire movie you have Idris being totally whipped, calling his wife, all but yelling rape – and then it leads to his wife finding out and sending him to the dog’s dog house. And of course, the film can’t stop there. There has to be a cat fight amirite? Well my good friend, there is one to be had. It began as Jaws and ended as Die Hard – with a little Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull in the middle (rape). When the movie was over, I half expected Jay-Z to hop out of a bush and start a music video. But he’s retired right?

There's a lesson to be learned here. Can't really think of it.

All this movie needed was a little less obviousness and a bit more seriousness and it might have been something of a highlight for all their careers. It could’ve been a pretty good Twilight Zone episode if they’d just made Ali from a parallel dimension where no means yes. You will laugh at this movie, unintentionally but nonetheless you will laugh. Still, something has to be said. Maybe if he’d just told Beyonce about her in the first 20mins he could’ve spent the rest of the time getting her to agree to a threesome. The world will never know. I mean, the dude did what she said – he put a ring on it. She didn’t say what he had to do afterwards.

You can checkout the Audio Review from Hollowman and me at CC-Media.