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rrod
Horsemen of The Gaming Apocalypse

Gamers! For too long we’ve sat idly by as the signs were all around us. We did little but groan and moan when these nuisances popped into our midst. Now, in this current generation, they’ve returned full force to dampen our enjoyment of our $59.99 games. That’s right PC gamers. Your time to pay more is at hand as well. But the time for our division is at an end. We must band together, for the Four Horsemen of the Gaming Apocalypse are here!

Death!

Look into its hideous eye and tell it that it doesn't exist!

Fifty-four percent! And I tell ye that the number is too low! The horseman of death rides his steed into your room and breathes his foul breath onto the soul of your console while you sleep. Your only retribution lies in the justice of a fuzzy towel with which cuddle your dying friend as you attempt to bring warmth back into its frozen heart. Nay, for thou can cast blame upon the messenger Microsoft in pure haste, but the true beast lies far below your feet. The devil’s hands are busy, and your cries of woe beckon his dark designs!

Conquest!

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Be warned you sinner, for even though you bid your time for magic price of $299, you may miss out on the real treasures the Playstation 3 has to offer. In their sole conquest for winning the console war, Sony has saw fit to remove the added value that was the backwards compatibility. No more can one buy an older title on the cheap and reap the wisdom bestowed by timeless lessons of heroism and bravery. Whilst Jak and Daxter be cast aside for Tools of Destruction, the devil aims his sights not on your SIXAXIS, but your soul!

War!

Blinded by their chipset feud, the devil through his tools has supplanted all!

PC gamers! Your time grows short! For in Nvidia, AMD and Intel’s never ending battle for hardware dominance, an old foe has taken rise amidst the  chaos. No longer confined to mere blue screen, but a popup! A signal of dread! Terror grips at one’s chest as what was once a behemoth ice spewing alien turns into a more ominous error code. Not a foe built of pixels but of pure vile. When there is no more room on your hard drive, the dead shall walk the earth! In a Valve game no less!

Famine!

March into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and you'll find more to play.

Nintendo fans! Beware! Seven years of bad games to be followed by seven days of good! The promise of classic remakes born anew dances in front of you, prompting you to snatch at them. But beware, dancing in front of you is not a promise but a hook. Its intent to reel you into absurdity, turning you into that babbling Wii fan who swears Nintendo does everything with his well being in mind! Do not pity him friends, for he is long gone.

4 comments
Deadly
Deadly

I agree that Conquest and War should have been piracy and rudeness of online gamers. I don't know how conquest could translate to piracy all that well but it seems like a fitting subject for the death of gaming. Piracy takes its tole on every company and system out there but I think it does far more damage to the PC than any of the others. Go to any torrent site and you see thousands of people torrenting games like Borderlands and others. Shortly after Borderlands was released on the PC torrents popped up all over the net. Some torrents had upwards of 10-15 thousand people seeding and leeching. The worst part is that it continues after some leechers completed their download others start so the amount of people downloading constantly multiplies. That fifteen thousand people who have or are downloading the game come out to nine-hundred-thousand dollars in lost revenue for the developers. Given not all torrents have that much activity but over a few years thousands of people download a game each time reducing the profits that much more and there are many many different torrents all over running while some of these massive torrents are already going. I haven't really looked into Gearbox or anything that much but it seems like the six day delay between releases for console and pc was just a lazy port to gain more money without expending the extra effort and costs to launch it on the same day. Even the pirated copies of the game can play on the legitimate Gamespy servers without issue. It seems like they knew it would happen and just gave up caring for it. T hey even require customers to forward ports in order to host/connect to online games. I honestly don't remember any games that required you to forward ports to play the game. Every time I install a game and try to play online at most I just need to update to the latest patch but I never have to forward ports, at most I simple tell my firewall to allow it when the pop up appears. Switching gears here, going back to pirating on console systems it is a lot harder and more expensive to pirate games to your systems since they usually require a mod chip to allow the games to play. If you don't know what your doing you could ruin your system or just end up spending a lot of money trying to do it. However on the PC its far easier, just a simple program or two and no extra money spent or damage caused. So in short pirating rapes the gaming industry.

Phaethon
Phaethon

In retrospect I would've made War and Conquest about the rudeness of online gamers and piracy.

Jesus
Jesus

Get yo faqs straight!